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Hello fair children,

I'm restarting this journal because I need a place to put writing things because having a head on my shoulders is great, and I have friends on here that I haven't talked to in years and it's nagging at me disgustingly.

 Oh good Glaux. I am tired.

 

I want to sleep, and wake up before my bus leaves for NYC. Just...calm until then. If not that, I just want to hibernate.

There's so much going on.

Between prepping for finals, taking care of a dying family member, managing to get other things done, and planning a vacation for someone else halfway around the world, Keeping my sanity seems completely and totally impossible. No amount of coffee or excitement can pull me through this without crashing at some point.

Did I also mention that I'm dieting at this time?

XD Could it get any worse?
Don't answer that.

I'm sure that it will all blow over eventually, but it seems like a lot to handle. At times I wonder why I do all this. It seems like such a long haul to the finish line!
But damn, that finish line is gorgeous if I get what I want. 

Let's see if my wishlist gets checked off, because when my mom goes to Japan, Christmas happens twice a year. 


 

Angelic Pretty:




Canary Dress - 249,90


Fluffy Frill halter JSK - 260,40

Fairy Flower Basket hat - 51,14


Colorful Ribbon Hairbow - 31,34




Pop ribbon socks - 24,15


Vanilla Chan Socks - 24,10


Ribbon Logo socks - 24,10


Baby, the Stars Shine Bright:
Anne Marie Blouse - 14490

Marie Anne Blouse - 144,90

Sweet Gingham Border Ribbon Babydoll JSK - 24990

Sweet Gingham Border Ribbon babydoll JSK - 249,09

Classical Rose Bouquet JSK - 17640

Classical Rose Bouquet JSK -  176,40

Rose Lace Frill Petticoat - 144,90


Doll Heroine Bonnet - 102,90

Charlerose Headbow 
Charlerose Headbow - 57,75



Lace and Frill Umbrella - 39,90

And then there's the bodyline stuff. XD

But, I'll save that for another time.

I, of course, don't want all of this, but some of it would be nice. I think that I've done a lot of work and it deserves a little reward. Also, it could double as a grad gift?

I don't know....I just want this stuff anyways.

A little "Me" time

 I just went to the store to get Soda.

Diet Ginger Ale FTW. Being a Canadian like a boss. Dressed in Lolita, as well. Have been all day. I feel amazing.


So, Let's take some more me time, and think about me and the conversation I just had with my mother.


 Concerning the subject of my dying dog, my mother was wondering how my sister would cope when she leaves for Japan, and when, God forbid, that I leave for NYC and the dog dies.

We are scared that this will scar her for life and make her little complexes more terrible and awful. That I should hopefully be there to be the strong one.

At lunchtime today, my family had a similar discussion about me being responsible, me handling things that my sister couldn't and me taking a lot on my shoulders when I was young.

As these discussions came and went, I had a passing thought that went a little like this:

"Oh god, I feel so selfish for going to New York."

Followed by a thirty second mental silence and then a

"WHAT?!"


I was an instant away from confiding this thought to my mother, but again, my brain interrupted me

"I can't say that. It will just make her upset. There's no way that I could say that."

Which leads me to think 2 things:


Either, I really am a tool and I screwed myself over with giving myself that job.

OR...*Drumroll*

Stopping, and saying to myself: What the actual fuck are you doing?

How does any of this make sense? How should
I feel guilty for this! None of it is my fault, My mom going to Japan isn't my fault. How am I
selfish?

Sure, I'm a little bit loose on the end of dealing with money, and my grades aren't amazing. (wonder why. ><) But I've been waiting for this trip since August. I've wanted this forever, and now I'm feeling selfish after having to watch everyone else get what they want?! Now I should have to sacrifice my happiness for them again?!

Hell to the No!

So sure, for once
I'm going to let things be about me. I'm going to keep wearing this outfit (It's sooooo comfy) I'm going to window-shop online, I'm going to drink my soda, and I'm going to go on my
trip without feeling bad.


 

 Scientific.

The richness of a far off dampness triggers an inner nature lover, and the dark, allure of coffee somehow brightens my eyes, but it's the chemicals. 

Hands, soaked in them for hours, the emptying, unnatural and deadly fog of polyurethane and plastic invade me. The small particles trimmed from their mother organism swim in the air and find a home in my lungs. From open vials and jars, it seeps off of the sides, and in to me. The punch and presence of electric blue light is there, too - on my dark hands, standing to long to the artificial, sunny tortures.

---------------

Crap >< That's all I got right now, but seriously, If I breathe any more of this crap, I'mma die.

They wanted a Yearbook submission.

They got one:

 

One day, my momma told me I was going to heaven.

That there was a cloud above them all – a cloud for me.

 

Though I was sad to be leaving my friends, leaving what I knew

I went, thinking that heaven was a place to be free.

 

I went to my heaven and began living among muses

I got my wings, my halo, and the other angelic needs.

 

I met the angels and I met all the many saints.

But what I got was different from what was said I would see

 

The iron gates so famous were made of silver painted wood

The softness of the clouds was because of all the dust.

 

The windows, prettily painted and framed, made from delicate glass

Were broken and tinted, and all encased in rust.

 

Years I kept the secret that the angels were all from below.

Forever I waited to be born again to tell.

 

Who could ever think to believe when I cried and screamed:

“All of heaven is from hell!”

 

Acting was the greatest thing and all they ever do

In costumes made of sweat and agony that they hate.

 

They lie, hurt, deceive, destroy and kill all feeling

Instead of love and appreciate.

 

I grew to detest the cherubs, and disobey the gods.

The concept of angel no longer to me existed.

 

If there ever was a heaven that was apart from the rest

I hate to say that the true artists have missed it.

 

I’d rather be Human, and I would rather be banished

Than to wait out the time I have here within.

 

I’ll be the one that was never spoken about or remembered,

I’ll be the Lucifer if my honesty is a sin.

Warm like Supper and without teats (Gekka)

Notes:
1) This is part of an ongoing thing I've been working on based off of many things but mostly "Gekka no Yasokyoku" by Malice Mizer. This particular one applies more to
Miyavi's "Itoshii Hito"
2) DON'T JUDGE ME. ><

3) This is closer to the end of the story, and it takes place when said characters are in their late twenties. There's a lot of descriptive things I need to work on in this, because it's very vague.  It's very tied in to the storyline I already have going, so it's hard to get in to. ><
4)The title of this is all because of some hilarious typos that I made.
5)'Scuse me while I go hide as this gets read and battered and abused
and killed

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I did not want to believe myself and forced my thoughts from my mind as much as I could. Still, the feeling that this one night was all that we had haunted me like rain clouds against a clear sky. Somehow, simply by looking at him, the feeling of empty dread took over my mind and heart.

Nonetheless, if it was only a single night that was given to us, we would make use of every last minute.

There were countless things that I wanted to say. Like a typhoon, my thoughts crashed, collided and broke apart only to reform and continue in the same thundering rhythms. So many different questions, so many things that sat unexplained and so many connections that needed to be made that I was simply struck with silence. For only a second – less time than it took to blink an eye, there was a silence where I simply studied him. The eternity of time between one heartbeat and another provided me with all I needed to know that what was happening was all real. In that moment I realized that the gap in my heart; the one that was irreparable by needle or pendulum was closed, and it was only after the realization had struck me that I felt the tears forming and newly falling. For the first time that night, like so many times before, I fell in to him for the first time.

“Hush hush, my love,” he cooed softly, his gentle hands running through my hair that was knotted and disheveled by hours of frenzied and spastic work. “I have made this promise to you, and I will promise it once again and forever: that everything will be alright. Everything is alright, my love. Let tonight be…,” He paused briefly, just long enough that to lay a gentle kiss, like the morning’s tender rain, on both of my eyelids. “Without sadness,” his lips then trailed to my cheeks effortlessly where my blush seemed to redden with each small drop of sadness that he made disappear; “without tears,” Yuki’s pure hands slid from my shoulders, down my arms, and took a gentle hold of my own that were blemished and broken from countless errors and impurities. He was nothing less than angelic and it made me uncannily timid. I, for an instant, tried to pulling away from him, but his embrace only became tighter and more comforting. “Without all of the emotions you’ve waited so long to be free of.” I wanted to say that I knew, that I was thankful. I wanted to profess to him my heart and offer anything in return that I possibly could, but, I could hardly find the thought to breathe. Never had I been happier an instant in my life, and just to look at this raven-haired doll was a privilege. His beauty was humbling as he peered in to my eyes; showing only sympathy and the utmost care. This was reflected in each movement, each touch, and each small fluttering of his heartbeat - all soft as silk. It was then in my mind affirmed that anything he ever had told me before was completely true. “Let tonight be a new beginning to everything.” He whispered, so warm and tender that I shivered in his arms and held him tighter, burying myself in to him as much as I possibly could.

His words sparked a blaze in my mind that traveled through me and crimsoned my cheeks deeper than cherry wine. He touched his index finger lovingly to my lips, his skin supple as opposed to the unforgiving roughness of my own calloused hands. I could hardly control my breathing all the while, and the beating of my heart seemed far too loud to be contained by my ears alone. I looked away with bated breath, if only for the fact that I hardly could meet his eyes, and noticed how badly I was shaking. No sooner than I had regained the definite to meet his gaze were his lips softly pressed against my own. It was like a sweet summer brise; gentle and loving, purifying like spring water, yet piercing and hot like iron. His lips seemed to touch my mind and catch on to all of my painful memories, burning them like newsprint, leaving, in their place, embers that glowed proudly with the happiness of the moment. Only the pleasant memories, however few they were, remained, and glowed brighter that ever, fueled by the newly discovered, unfamiliar love. I wrapped my arms around his waist and weaved my fingers together in a white-knuckled grasp, fearing separation from the compassion I had desired for such a long time. Smooth like porcelain and warm like summer, his lips caressed mine in a loving embrace that seemed slow as the blooming of a rose, but quick like the flowing of the ocean.

So happy I want to drown.

So, I had an interesting conversation with my friend just now.

She's the type that only talks to me when she's in need of something; A job, a shoulder, a lung replacement, drugs, a computer repair, a set of banana shaped sunglasses. You name it - she'll talk to me if she needs it.

Today, it was Boyfriend problems. Being adequately concerned, I asked how I could help, and she began our little chat with how HE laughed at a little joke about HER, and now SHE was giving HIM shit.

Is it me, or do I not see a problem here? He laughed at a sarcastic joke....and? You're mad. Okay, but where's the problem??!?!?!?!

Am I finally losing my touch at helping the poor and tortured?!?!?!

God forbid!!

;;;;;;

Anyways, here I am, listening over MSN. While all this is happening, I am browsing a lovely secondhand lolita site looking for another dream dress, and for a second, for just a small slice in the massive, sour pie of time, I was so, so, so, so, so, happy. For what, you may ask?

Because I had nothing of the such to worry about.

While my dear needy-pants friend was worrying about her boytoy who laughs at a good joke, here I am in my castle (basement) and coquettishly toying with the idea of a pretty new dress, or laughing quietly at Mana, and his quirky color choices. While there are hoards of women crying and desperate over men and the whatbeit, I'll be here, sipping tea and gazing across the table at my next lovely wardrobe companion.

It was funny, but then I remembered that, while staring at a gorgeous dress "Wouldn't it be lovely to have that on while with that person."

Ouch.

And that's what brought me back to here, for a small rant.

Also, I haven't been updating, because my attempts to maintain a social life, studies and a blog is somehow impossible. I'll also be putting up my first piece of writing up, too~! It's in it's baby stages and It's still only a foundation of what it should be, it's also very, very superficial, so don't like - don't read. ><


Thank you for listening to me rant ><

Okay, I can't help it!

 

 


Love this song too much, the anime is good, too!

The best Day of the Year...

Today. was. amazing.

This, so far has been the best day of 2011. No jokes.

It all started when I got downstairs this morning. The first thing, my mom offered to make me coffee. It was amazing. It was the most ordinary, amazing coffee ever. She made it for me - maybe that's why it was good, but it was so good I could have cried.

The next thing happened on the bus. Here I am, listening to music and minding my own business when I see a glimmer of color. I looked up at the sky and I saw the most beautiful thing. IT WAS A GILTTERING RAINBOW.

I guess that it was the sun reflecting off of some snow before, but never have I seen anything glitter like that.  Kind of reminded me of this song:

 

It felt so good to see that.


Then, go to school....blablabla

Get to my first class, sitting down doing my work. I was talking with my friend Veronica, and I somehow got to talking about things I though were impossible as a kid. One of them was piano exams.

That's when I remembered that I passed 2 piano exams and the McGill school of music, and skipped a grade in one of them.

Guess who felt awesome? I also concluded that I should tell myself the aforementioned every time I feel like life sucks. Guess who's going to be way too full of herself?

XD

After that, I went to the rest of my classes, finished my art project and went to lunch...

WHICH WAS FREE FRIES WITH MY SISTER. :D

Get back to school, finish math work, doze off in Literature, and go to costume...

TO BUY A DAMN DRESS. 10$, BABY~~~!! (I've been wanting it since last year. I was so glad that the theater tech sold it to me.)

Art was just after that, so I sprinted back to the 4th floor and sat down with my print out of

and cut out eyeholes.

Guess who walked around with that face for an hour. That's just how good my day was.

THAT'S ONLY HALF.

After school, I waited for my mum at Tim Horton's where I bought a tea...AND WON A FREE COFFEE :D

When my mom came, we went to grab some stuff at the pharmacy (and this is where it gets weird) and there was a woman begging outside. She was in her late twenties and holding a receipt. At first, when my mom and I entered the store, we ignored her figuring the list was random drugs we would have no idea where to get, but after we talked it over with the cute cashier, we decided to look at the list on our way out.

She told us that she needed to feed her kids and that she needed the items on the list. Among the few, there was carrots, onions, margarine and bread.

ouch.

Without a second though, my mom and I headed off to the grocery across the parking lot and picked out some stuff, barely saying a word to each other. Among the things on her list, we threw in some chocolate, Goldfish and steak. I left the store before my mom to go warm up the car, and I got a story.

Apparently, the woman had four young kids and was going through a tough time. She said that as a mother, even though she was in the rough, it was a better example for her kids if she didn't steal.

I wasn't 100% sure I believed her, but I was a little bit bowled over by the whole thing that when I sat down in the car, I started crying. I couldn't believe that....I felt kind and as if I had been given perspective. It was a
strange kind of gratitude to be seeing that. Not to mention it felt like I had just stepped out of RENT or something. I felt like a person a little more than I have in awhile.

It's not often one runs in to brutally honest situations like that....

After that, I was so happy. I felt a little more free.

And here I am, happy.

*Pours out free happy*

To life. <3

Don't go.

I didn't want to leave the stage last night.

I could have stayed in the last notes of that movement forever.

Why did it have to end?

Why did the last notes have to come?

 

Couldn't I be allowed to be happy for just a little longer?

Couldn't I be allowed to feel appreciated a little longer?


You would have loved it.

I'm beautiful when I'm shining. I wish that you could have seen me be beautiful the way I see you.

I wish you could have been there, just for awhile.